Ministry of Presence

Elliot Moss’s song, “Lazy” sings, “I’ll never grow up, but I’m losing all my hair.” This line hits me in the gut as I see new wrinkles in my face and pull grey hairs from my temple. How is it that I am 33, and still feel 15? This life has become a rat-race, and one I am desparately trying to win.

There’s only one thing that soothes my soul, and that’s the experience of divine peace amongst my friends and colleagues or in nature. All else overwhelms me. But when I’m sitting next to someone, or in a room where spiritual work is at play- I find my grounding.

I am so thankful for each experience I have survived and live through. For each moment that I felt ungrounded. For each time my heart rate hit the roof, and my heart broke into a thousand tiny pieces. I am thankful for the disappointments, the finanical setbacks, the bruises and the bumps that prevented me from veering too far off of course. Now, I realize- each and every moment in my life has been a blessing.

My experiences give me a secret power. I can understand pain, and hurt differently than others. I do not run away from it, but instead sit with it. I learn that this is called “Ministry of Presence”. My Mother’s Father, Bobby, has this gift. The challenge is going from Henri Nouwin’s “Wounded Healer” to a “Healed Healer” and if any of you have figured out how to make that transition, please share your tips and tricks because it seems to be a greater challenge than I anticipated.

Bobby, my grandfather taught me the importance of being there alongside someone who needed a friend. He taught me that we don’t always have to comfort with words. We can comfort with our energy, and through keeping people company while they are in deep pain. I still find myself in a energy of doing. Can I get you a casserole, can I plan some liturgy for you, can we pray- can I get you a blanket, a phone charger, a bottle of water?

But I remember what I needed at pivotal moments of my own pain. I needed someone to witness.

I like this concept. As I research seminaries, I see that ministry of presence is a popular term. 

I do not see myself in a pulpit, but I do see myself sitting with someone in the hospital room while they die. I see myself holding a victim’s hand during the rape kit. and warrioring on through being present. I see myself being joyful, and serving God, fully, through being present or His presence.

I think deep down, I knew that my future as a minister required me to change. And I wonder if that’s why it’s taken me nine years to click submit on my applications.

I prepare my leave. With the quarantine, I do not know how long I am going to be in Montreat, but my hope is that I am able to remain here until July, when I am supposed to move to Texas. 

I pay off my credit card bills. I apply for scholarships. I live in perfect solitude. I wonder about things. I avoid CNN.  I sometimes, in my own world, forget about the pandemic. I am cradling my spirit, aware that this time is a gift to me to prepare me for my huge life U-TURN.

I realize I have everything I need. 

I have my dog, some clothes, my laptop. My hiking gear. My jeep. My passport. 

That is all I need.

I realize that the life I had, I actually don’t miss at all.

Everything I was afraid of losing, it turns out.. was simply holding me back.