Be Big.
2019, receiving my Reiki Level 1 and Level 2 Certification with Dr. Makiko Fliss in South Carolina. This weekend really changed the trajectory of my life.
In January 2019 my dear friend and I decided to pay a ridiculous amount of money and take a Reiki Level 1 and 2 class. Upon the completion of our course, we were given a heads up that the experience could lead to profound spiritual changes in our lives should we decided to accept it.
Within 18 months I was in Austin, TX as a Seminarian and beginning the ordination process. The photo seen here is from that experience in the foothills of the Appalachian mountains with Dr. Maikiko Fliss. I love this photo, because the certification is strangely emanating rays of light. I’ve never seen anything like it before to this day. During Seminary, I continued my Reiki studies privately, studying and getting my Level 3 Masters and Teaching Certification. However, I never practiced on people. Despite the heavy study, I never could say I felt energy flow from my hands. Something else happened though- I began to realize that I could see energy with my every-day eye-sight, as well as see light around people’s heads. I would sit fascinated in my meetings at a technology firm as I watched the energy swirl around my bosses as they excitedly discussed app integrations and Microsoft releases. Unsure of what to do with this gift, I began to try to paint what I was seeing- and used my fingers to finger paint the energy whenever I could find spare time. Art and creativity is my favorite creative outlet and keeps my spirituality in check. However, these profound spiritual experiences had to be quietly observed as I’ve been under intense pressure and watch as I’ve worked through the PCUSA ordination process which has required every ounce of mental strength.
I’m currently in my own state of limbo between the rigor and exhaustion of relentlessly trying to be "enough” for the PCUSA Ordination, and being granted two weeks ago approval by Presbytery of South Louisiana for a May 19th ordination in New Orleans.
My therapist, who I recently hired to help process the past four year process, asked me point blank the other day where I was in the process. Where was I? Ashley Brown? Not candidate, or inquirer, or pastoral resident… but where was my flesh, blood and soul in this experience?
I sat befuddled. What do you mean? I’m here, on this beige sofa- telling you exactly where I am, I’m 3 months and 2 days away. I’m almost free. Upon ordination, I’m launching my own website. My voice and my blog will be reclaimed. Future, future, future. Work, work, work.
Then I looked at my hands and my skin, and saw the picked cuticles from the stress. I felt my throat chakra, tight from years of fear of retribution for allowing my true self to be released in the world. My chest was tight and constricted. Upon the conclusion of this process in South Carolina, I was told by a retired ordained minister who served on my Committee for Preparation of Ministry that she was concerned I was a danger to myself and to my ministry. Talk about a downer.
I haven’t allowed myself the space or freedom to grieve the hurts this process has opened in my heart. Alternatively, I see within myself from the ordination process a lot of growth and personal development. I am not who I was when I entered. But, I need to get back to that version of myself. I refuse to be a Presbyterian robot, cold and indifferent to the needs of the world and to the callings of Spirit.
The most privileged days of my ministry are when I’m sitting with people on the worst days of their lives. Love is so powerful, and it’s incredible to watch how love can transform a space of death, heartbreak and sin into a spiritual experience of hope and Presence.
So this morning, I invite you to consider where are you? Not where you are professionally, or socially, or even where you might be on a scale.. but where is your heart and soul today? Because if you’re anything like me, you may have compartmentalized yourself to your own detriment.
Let your energy flow. Find God around you, and use those spiritual gifts God has given you to heal.
God didn’t create us to disappear, to be mute and small. God gave us big feelings, big hearts and big spirits. It’s time to stop making ourselves disappear like a bunny in a magician’s hat.
Be big. The world needs you to take up space.
Amen.